Journal: “…I Am Not A Christian”

“Hey, meet us at the church. Pastor Brad and I have something to tell you”, he said as I called him one weeknight.

As I pulled up to the parking lot, I waited til they arrived. He stepped out and, without hesitation, said, “Pastor Brad and I came to the conclusion that after all these years…

…I am not a Christian.”

I was stunned.

My wonderful husband of almost two years, who was instrumental in leading me to the faith, stood before me and told me that he was not a Christian.

Jamen then continued, “All these years, I never had any assurance of salvation. I had anxiety attacks because of it. I know I have not been a believer this whole time. But, I want to believe…”

We sat down across the table from our pastor, who then counseled us and talked to us about what happened. I wasn’t sure exactly how to react but I was overwhelmed. There was much to say, but I couldn’t say it in that moment.

When we got home, I asked Jamen where he stood. He said, “I want to believe, but I can’t. I don’t know how. I read Romans 10:9 over and over, but I can’t even say His name. I can’t.”

I wept bitterly. The depth of my grief was indescribable. Lord, why this? Why him? 

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