We came so close to tasting what parenthood is like. It was several months ago, when my delayed cycle caused so much excitement and curiosity, and when I finally tested positive for pregnancy. I had planned it all — how to surprise Jamen, how to surprise our family, how to share the news to others — but I was too excited that I told Jamen the same day without planning anything.
Jamen doesn’t say much, but I could tell he was very excited. We even joked around about finally having one itty-bitty arrow in our quiver (Psalm 127:4). We started talking about future plans, including our future children.
But a few days later, I bled profusely. Painfully. We tested again day after day, but the lines became fainter and eventually became nonexistent. Jamen looked at the tests over and over, and kept insisting the line was there. But I knew the line was no longer there… that our baby was no longer there.
The pain was very real for me. But I still rejoiced.
I am by no means masochistic; I don’t enjoy pain. But I was able to endure, by His grace and because of the reality of the grounds of my joy and my hope…
…That the most precious thing I have, the eternal life He has freely given in His Son, will always be secure. That the God who did not withhold His Son for me is continuously at work in every aspect and every moment of our lives. That He who began His work in me will bring it to completion (Philippians 1:6). That even my trials and testing of my faith are but a part of that completion (James 1:2-4). And that my good and loving Heavenly Father is in COMPLETE control of everything, for who can speak and have it happen if the Lord had not decreed it? (Lam.3:37)
So even in times of real pain and great sorrow, I can trust Him because He never changes and all things work together for good to those who love him (Romans 8:28). That even in the presence of real pain, I can rejoice because of who He is and who I am in Him.
“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away…”
but along with Job I will still continue to say,
“…blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21)