Journal: Lost & Found, In Every Sense of the Word

I was informed that one of my email addresses (from high school) was hacked and has started sending phish emails. I tried to access it online so I could cancel my account altogether, but to no avail — I couldn’t remember my password, my old phone numbers with which I have registered with, or the security questions. So, I was left to go through my other old emails and hope that I would find clues of the necessary details to log in.

And a huge wave of nostalgia swept over me.

I found emails from the past, records of people I used to talk to, photos exchanged with friends and of the awkward teenage and college years, saved files of essays and research papers, journal entries about crushing on my classmates and even teachers, messages between boyfriends and not-yet boyfriends, memories of events that were seemingly small yet apparently so tantamount in its impact now that I look back…

And then there were letters of heartbreak and rejection, entries about the bittersweet memories that are better unspoken, compromising photos from a remote past, messages with and from other pursuing men, and records of an empty life manifest in a frustrated girl looking for fulfillment in the wrong places…

Two hours worth of searching through old emails, and I remembered a distant life, a life that I was graciously ransomed from.

To my friends whom I have met as a Christian, you may never fully know what kind of life that was like. And that’s okay.

But to others — to my friends from high school, friends in college, and even families — you probably do. You’ve seen me live that life.

I was lost, but like many, I didn’t admit it —
I thought relationships would fulfill me, but they didn’t.
I thought academic success or financial success would, but I quickly realized this was an empty pursuit.
I thought alcohol, smoking, or getting “high” off of experiences would somehow fill the void, but they were all short-lived.
I thought that religious involvement and spiritual searching would fit the bill, but like everything else, it fell short.

And at that time, it all came down to one hopeless conclusion — that life is short, but since all is vanity, WHAT IS THE POINT? WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT ANYWAY?!

When someone told me to read the Bible and told me about Jesus, I thought “What for? That’s nonsense. There is no way I can be forgiven anyway! I am the sinner of all sinners! I even hated Him at some point and cursed Him and those that followed Him! Everyone’s going to hell anyway, so I’ll live it up!”

But that was changed almost immediately.

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One thought on “Journal: Lost & Found, In Every Sense of the Word

  1. I am so thankful that there is really a big change in your life wherein GOD and Jesus is included in your life Jamie :). We love you and we really miss you, Julie and Mama.

    Like

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